R U Kiddin'

There was this man who died and woke up in hell.  He looked up to see the Devil and several demons along with far too many people.  All of the people were crying and afraid.  But the Devil took notice that the new man did not seem to be impressed.

"Do you know who I am?" the Devil growled.

The man just ignored the Devil and kept looking around.

The Devil flew over to the man and got close to his face.  "I asked you a question."

The man looked into the Devil's eyes and confidently said: "I know who you are."

"Then you know you should fear me." said the Devil.

"Why?  You're not that great." said the man.

The Devil was curious now.  " What makes you think you know me so well?"

"Your sister." said the man.  "I was married to her for thirty-five years."

My dad tells some of the best stories, some with more than a grain of truth to them.  Here is a little story about me.

When I was a kid, I was very shy.  I told my dad that there was this girl I liked, but that every time I tried to tell her I liked her, I just didn't know what to say.

Now my dad is a super smooth guy.  He told me that I would have to work at it.  "Think of what you are going to say before you approach her son and have a good opening line that is going to make her want to talk with you."

"Dad," I said, "I wouldn't know what to say?"

"Well son," Dad replied, "Think of something that will make her feel good.  I saw a girl I wanted to talk to once.  I went up to her and said: Baby, every time I see your face, time stands still.  That made her want to talk to me."

I told my dad that I would put his advice to work the next day at school.

When I saw dad after school the next day, he asked me if I had tried his plan.

"Yeah Dad, I tried." I said meekly.

"Well what happened?" Dad asked.

"It didn't work exactly as I planned Dad.  I saw her down the hall and I went up to her.  I remembered what you had said about time stopping.  But when I started speaking, the words just didn't come out right. She got mad and stomped off."

"What do you mean? What did you say?"

"I walked up to her and I said: Girl, you have a face that could stop a clock."

At the wedding, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom  "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!

"Impossible!!"  said the groom broom...

"We haven't even swept together yet!!!"

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.  On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that
didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."

"Hi, Joe is sick today, he won't be in." Said the wife.

"Oh, he's not sick, he just thinks he's sick.  He'll be back tomorrow."  Said the boss.

The next morning, noting that Joe was not there, the boss called Joe's house and got his wife.  "How's Joe?" asked the boss.

"He's a little worse today." Said the wife.

"He's not worse, he only thinks he's worse." Said the boss.

On the third day, Joe still hadn't returned to work.  The boss was now quite upset with this abuse of the sick days and called Joe's house.

"Let me speak to Joe." He demanded.

"You can't." Replied the wife.

"Does he still think he's sick?"

"No. Now he thinks he's dead."

"Sir, can I help you?" the flight attendant offered.

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds so I can't sleep."

"Captain, shut up and fly the plane."

One Wednesday, a funeral procession started past as Bill was on the sixth tee.  Bill removed his hat and placed it over his heart as the funeral passed by.  Noting his sincere expression, others in Bills foursome commented.  "That was very nice," said one.  "That was a truly respectfull gesture," said another.

Bill, turned to the others in his group and said: "Well, it was the least I could do.  After all, she was my wife."

Now, in law school they tell you never ask a question unless you know the answer.  The plaintiff, the driver of the handsome cab, testified to extensive injuries before the jury but the Defense lawyer was feeling pretty confident.  He had obtained information that immediately after the accident, the driver of the handsome cab told a police officer quote: “I’ve never felt better in my life.”  It was time for cross-examination of the plaintiff and the Defense lawyer was ready to burn the plaintiff on the stand.

“Mr. Corbin, you claim to have suffered a fractured skull, a broken shoulder, a fractured hip, a severely twisted ankle and a host of other bruises, contusions and lacerations.  Isn’t that your claim sir?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Yet, isn’t it true, that immediately after the accident, you told a police officer that, and I quote you sir: “I never felt better in my life.”

“Yes, I did tell the officer that.”

“So you admit it.  Would you care to explain to this jury how you could have suffered all the injuries that you claim were the result of this accident and yet told a police officer immediately after the accident that you NEVER FELT BETTER in your life.”

“Yes, sir.  Well you see, I hit my head against the curb pretty hard when I got thrown from the cab.  The officer, he came running from down the street and he got to my horse first.  He looked at my horse and I heard him say: ‘Boy, that horse sure looks bad.  I just have to put him out of his misery.’  He put his gun to my horse’s ear and BOOM.  Then he came over to me, gun still smoking and asked:
How do you feel?"

Back around the beginning of the 20th century, there was an old lawyer in the small Pennsylvania town.  Since he was the only lawyer in town, he got all the business and, at first, he wasn’t happy when a young lawyer moved into town and set up shop.  After a while though, it occurred to him that this might be a good thing.  Soon, his thought was proven correct when he received a complaint from the young lawyer.   It seems there was this farmer who was missing two mules.  After searching for them, it seemed to the farmer that a train must have come along and killed them.  The old man represented the railroad, so the farmer went to the young attorney for help.

Trials came quickly back then and in less than a week, they were on their way up the court house steps when old lawyer said to his younger rival: “You know, we might be willing to settle this case.  I can offer you $750 a mule right now.”

“We’ll take it.” said the young lawyer without hesitation.

Off they went to the old lawyer’s office.  Paper work was drawn up and a bank draft was issued.  The young lawyer’s client was ecstatic, but after everything was done, the old lawyer shook the farmer’s hand and asked if the young lawyer could stay back for a few minutes.

After the farmer left, the old guy said to the young one: “There’s something I have to tell you.  You know, you really should have tried to negotiate, harder.  I was prepared to offer as much as $1,500 a mule.  Frankly, I was surprised that you and your client took the deal.”

The young lawyer looked down into his hands.  The old guy said: “Hey, don’t feel bad.  It just the kind of mistake young lawyers make.”

The young guy looked up and said: “Oh, thank you but that’s not it.  See, you know those two mules?  They came home last night.”

Couple of nights after Moe passed, Joe heard Moe's voice calling him.  He said, "It can't be you Moe, you are dead."

Moe said, "I promised you I would come back and tell you if they have baseball  in heaven. Well I got some good news and some bad news.  The good news is they do play baseball in heaven."

Joe asked, "What is the bad news?"

Moe said, "YOU ARE SCHEDULED TO PITCH NEXT TUESDAY."

After a yes, the officer got on the radio and called his sargeant. When the car was surrounded, the sarge came over and said to the driver.
 

Sarge	"May I see your license please."
	The driver handed over a valid driver license
Sarge	"Open your glove compartment slowly, so I can see if you have a gun in there."
Driver	"There is no gun in the glove compartment."  And it was so!
Sarge	"Open the trunk, I want to see if there is a body there."
Driver	"There is no body in the trunk." And it was so.
Sarge	"I don't understand. The officer said you had no license, you had a gun in the glove compartment and a body in the trunk."

DRIVER     HE PROBABLY SAID I WAS DOING A HUNDRED MILES PER HOUR, ALSO.

So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you." She calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

Tony Blair replies, "It's me!"

So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby.  It ain't your sister and it ain't your brother.  Who is it?"

And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."

So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby.  It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"

So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."

And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a  booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all  ways, I will grant you one wish".

The man said, "Build a bridge to  Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to".

The Lord said, "Your  request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports require reaching the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it  is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time And think of another wish, a wish you think would honour  and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.   Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times.   All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that  I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what  they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry,  what they mean when they say nothing, and how I can make a woman truly happy".

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on  that bridge"?

The passenger had spotted a bearded man on a small island who was shouting and desperately waving his hands.  "Who's that man?" asked the passenger.

The Captain responded: "I have no idea, but everytime we go past he just goes nuts."

The Baptist Minister offered to row the boat back to shore, but the Priest said: "That's not necessary."  The Priest hopped over the side of the boat, ran across the water to the shore, to the car, grabbed the basket and returned over the water to the boat.

The Baptist Minister was astonished, but before he could say anything the Rabbi said: "You forgot the drinks, I'll get them."  The Rabbi hopped over the side of the boat, ran across the water to the shore, to the car, grabbed a cooler and returned over the water to the boat.

The Baptist Minister was speechless.  He had now seen both the Priest and the Rabbi nonchalantly perform the miraculous.  It presented a challenge to his faith and to his pride.  Certainly, he thought, if God would do this for a Priest and a Rabbi he would do it for him.  After a few minutes, he said: "You know, I think I might do better with my other fishing pole.  I left it in the car."

"We can row in and you can get it." said the Rabbi.

"No, that won't be necessary."  With that and great faith the Baptist Minister stepped over the side of the boat and momentarily disappeared under the water.

The Priest and the Rabbi pulled the Baptist Minister back into the boat.  He set himself down cold, wet and very depressed.  "I saw each of you run across the water and I thought, I am also a servant of God ..."

The Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked: "Do you think we ought to show him where the rocks are?

I said: "What do you think you're doing?  You can't outrun a lion."

They looked at me and smiled.  "We don't have to outrun the lions.  We just have to outrun you."

As the horses were jockeyed into position for the first race, he noticed a Priest blessing one of the horses.  The first race of the day starts and the horse that the Priest had blessed wins.

He watched the second race and again the Priest blesses a horse and that horse wins.  And again in the third race, and again in the fourth race, and again in the fifth race, and again in the sixth race.

Now, this guy is not a betting man, but this, this was a sure thing.  So he watches the Priest to see which horse the Priest would bless.  Then he goes to the window and bets all the money he has on the horse that the Priest blessed, "Windstorm".
 

Just before the finish line, Windstorm rears up and falls over dead.  Tasha's Trick wins the race and my friend looses everything.

Well, he was pretty fed up.  So he goes down and he finds that Priest.

"Father, what's the story here?  Every horse that you blessed before the race I bet on won, but I finally bet and the horse that you blessed falls over dead.  What's up with that?"

"Son, are you Catholic?"

"Protestant!"

"Well, that's the problem.  You Protestants can't tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites."

He said, "I'm so glad you're here!  I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"

The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts."

The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another."

"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.

"That's where I USED to go to church."

Being good God fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do  have our rules in Heaven.  If you break them, you'll be punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."

That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were  ducks everywhere! In no time at all, Jake stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on.

Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He chained the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.

Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that  just went on and on. Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." With that, he chained the woman to Johnny and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away.

Well, Wally was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous woman. He chained her to Wally  and said, "You will be together now and forever  more," and walked away. Wally exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?" "I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman, "But I stepped on a duck..."

Then they would return the car to the parking lot they had taken it from, often putting it back in the same parking space. They always left some of the stolen money behind as a "gift" for the car owner. The poor unsuspecting car owner was left to explain to frustrated police why they had a cut of the money in a getaway car that happened to be registered to them. Several went to jail never knowing that their car had been stolen and used in the robbery.

After a while, though, the bank robbers decided they wanted to hit a better class of bank. So they started casing out banks in Beverly Hills. The day for the bank heist came and they followed the same Modus Operandi, taking a Porsche from a nearby lot, they drove to the bank entrance. Out of the car and into the bank, in 90 seconds they had the biggest take of the year. But back at the curb, the car was gone.

"I can't believe it! Somebody stole the getaway car!" exclaimed one of the thieves.

"You can't trust anybody these days." shouted the other.

In short order police had the two in custody.

Police asked the two to make a statement, but they declined. The detectives were leaving the interrogation room when the one thief asked: "Who took our car?"

The detectives turned around and said: "You mean you don't know?"

Pause

"This is Beverly Hills!"

Another pause.

"Valet parking!"

The lady said, "It can't be. I don't believe it.  I want a second opinion."

The doctor goes out the door and comes back in with a Labador dog.  The dog goes over to the bench and sniffs and smells the pet dog. The dog then comes over to the doc and barks twice. Woof Woof!

The doc takes the dog out and comes back in with a cat.  The cat hops on the bench and licks the pet dog's face and head.  The cat then comes over to the doc and says Meow!  Meow!.

The doctor takes the cat out, then comes back in says to the lady, that will be $600.00 dollars.

The lady says, $600.00 dollars for what?

The doc says Lady, you wanted a second opinion, so I got you two.  I got your dog a lab test and a catscan.  You heard the results.

One of the ladies said, "Thirty years ago, I would have given a fortune for one of those things, and all the time they were growing wild here in Hawaii.

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In a year, I'm going to make it rain & cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.  But I want you to save the righteous people & two of every kind of living thing on the earth.  Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.  You must complete the Ark & bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth.  The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.  "Noah", He shouted.  "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah, "I did my best, but there were big problems.  First, I had to get a permit for construction & your plans did not meet the codes.  I had to hire an engineering firm & redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system & flotation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.  I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.  However, The Fish & Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls.  So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union & went out on strike.  I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls."

"When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued  me.  They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.  Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.  They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe."

"Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard.  The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.  I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax & failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."

"Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further production of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional.  I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine & the seas began to calm.  A rainbow arched across the sky.  Noah looked up hopefully.  "You're not going to destroy the earth Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to; the government already has."

Subject: Software problems?
Date: Fri, 20 Apr 2001 10:05:05 -0700
Dear Tech Support:

Help!

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed problems immediately.

The new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.   In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do??

Desperate

************************************************
Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.  But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Tech Support

******************************************
Dear Desperate,

I highly suggest also initializing Freak 6.9 Gold. It come with the existing operating system!

Leon